The Worst Film Ever Made, According to Siskel & Ebert
Fans were entertained for decades by Siskel and Ebert, who occasionally wrote their funniest and most ardent reviews of the movies they detested.
Even if you’ve never heard of it, the 1992 movie Frozen Assets accomplished something that very few films in history can claim: it caused Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert of At the Movies with Siskel and Ebert to (at least momentarily) regret devoting their lives to watching movies.
The two critics were depressed and lost faith in their line of work after watching George Trumbull Miller’s terrible comedy. Throughout their analysis of Frozen Assets, Siskel and Ebert alternated in coming up with inventive ways to label the film as the “worst movie ever made.” Siskel and Ebert go full Mystery Science Theater 3000 in their review, eschewing their more reverent Statler and Waldorf routine in favor of delivering more funny jokes than are contained in the entire film. They act as though the only enjoyment the movie could possibly provide is the joy of laughing together as you mock its mediocrity.
Firing Blanks
In the movie, Corbin Bernsen (L.A. Law, Psych) plays a man who has been assigned by the headquarters of some nebulous corporation to run a bank in a small town. He soon learns that the bank is actually a sperm bank, which is supposed to cause comedy. Bernsen’s character says at one point, “I don’t even understand why they built a place like this in a hick town like Hobart,” before being informed, “Because hicks like us also have problems with impotence and sterility and sexual performance,” as Siskel and Ebert pointed out in their scathing review. However, there is nothing even remotely humorous about this movie. We are exactly like you.
Additionally, Larry Miller plays a local millionaire nutcase in the movie alongside Shelley Long, who plays the stuffy sperm bank manager (no pun intended). Nevertheless, despite having a strong cast, Frozen Assets failed to make viewers laugh. The opening scene of the movie, which featured an executive with his underwear stretched over his head, particularly left Siskel and Ebert unimpressed. Things only got worse from there. The storyline seems content to hit the same juvenile note over and over (and over again), as if punishing the audience for not finding it funny enough the first time around. The jokes fall flat, the characters are unlikeable, and the storyline falls flat.
